To be nested-To be lost
To hide-To seek
Living in an endless cocoon of shadows
Safe struggling
My forest, my beasts
Pursuing every moment, every memory
“What if?”
…………..
“What if not?”, I reply.
What if this time we get it right?
Overcome
Fear, the deadly poison,
Habit, that slow death,
A mountain to believe one can overcome them all
and greet the new morning with open hands.
The Bubble of Respect and via Daily Prompt: Overcome
Memorize
I want to memorize the steps
the breaths
the words.
Memorize what brings me good times
What makes me alive
the Food that is good for me,
the pictures, the images, the landscapes.
Memorize how it feels to be alive
Again.
Lollipop
You look easy and childish.
Though you are tough and bad for me.
I have been licking you
Like I have been licking my wounds.
I have decided to let you drop.
You are bad for my teeth.
Divorce: The decision
Hi,
I am Rennie, a 47 year old mother and wife.
Two years ago, on the summer of 2015, during a long trip to France, I have decided to get a divorce from my husband of now 23 years.
I know that many of those who claim to be pro-family will hate me for this. I mean, my father’s wife who hardly knows me has been exalting the virtues of getting beaten by your husband and still standing by him.
But then. she is married to my father who will go out of his way to not have a fight. Exactly like me.
I didn;t know how it is to have a father until three years ago, until out of a fate’s turn he found out I was running for an election. He read it in a newspaper while playing backgammon with his other retiree mates. And he said he knew it had to be me.
By all means, I am thankful to Fate. I have always feeling like having a shorter leg, retreating in the backside while my mother, edgy and suspicious was representing me at school while other kids had their dads speaking of them to the tutors.
But hey, let’s get back to divorce.
Everyone who hears about it and has their own two cents of mind in their skulls, says that we are an unlikely mix. He is a Gemini-I am a Capricorn. But hey we worked it out for twenty-something years. The time to have three kids, build a furniture business, have a four-level house in the suburbs and generally eating our way through life.
But you know what? With my food, I have been swallowing my anger and frustration at a person who had hujacked my life, and who held me hostage, while I was suffering from Stockholm syndrom.
And so, that summer, two years ago, as I was breathing the French countryside, lonely, unloved and neglected , I touched base with myself.
Here I was, a fine mess of rugs, all wrapped and tied, unable to find my way around of this messy marriage that looked happy to the onlooker, but made me hurt like a thick knife, again and again.
And so, I decided to run from it. I took a big black suitcase and thought I;d stay there, to the house of my best friend. My only friend from my past life as a girl. But here is what happened. She had fought hard to get her own freedom from an entourage, a family of a bullying father, a sufferer turned bullying mother, nosey sister , disappearing sister and charming brother. And she had been scrubbing her life a lot like I had to scrub my own life, these past two years.
It hasn;t been easy. It has been tiring and messy. And tearful. But I never felt guilty for what I felt. Because, finally, I am acknowledging my feelings and expressing them to myself in acceptance.
As for my husband he has hard time accepting them. Am I scared? Yes I am. How do I manage? I just stay put. I don;t run. I have to scrub the monster that has been bugging me: the father, the grandfather, the husband.
And I want to be me and be free.
Rennie
Blindly
I have followed you blindly
through thick and thin.
Given all that I had
and more.
Dug deeply into my soul
when I had no more.
I trusted.
A toy in your mind and will.
Toy no more.
Blind no more.
Tenacious
I do not know the word.
Is April tenacious?
I may or may not be tenacious
What difference does it make?
I learn
I learn to adapt my life to
who I am
I learn to raise my fences
I learn to stand my ground.
And that is tenacious enough.
Symptom
Changing my mind.
What if?
A second chance. A new lease.
It’s only life, one day it’ll end.
Do you WANT to live THAT life?
The one that, finally, ends?
Two women friends asked me the same question
that I have not managed to ask myself.
Is it a symptom of my love for you?
No, it isn’t. I’m long ago gone. It’s just a regret. A what if?
without answer.
1 picture 1 day . Flowers .
On my way home last night, I thought I’d go to the restaurant and have a warm meal.
I turned left and walked down the street to the square.
And there they are. In all colors and shapes in their pots of water, standing on the pavement.
“Excuse me”, I said to the young man. “Can you tell me the price?”
“Are they for a present, or for home?”, he asked.
“Home”, said I.
“In fact, as was hesitant between buying the flowers and buying lunch”.
“Which restaurant were you going to?”, he asked me, and I replied.
“Then it’s best that you took the flowers”, he said.
The phone rang. He answered it.
“You made my day”, I said. “No, the whole week, rather”, and he smiled.
We made each other happy.
Rennie's Nest 